The more I know, the more I know I don't know..... ya know? Let me explain.I have been following this Jesus for quite a few years and after the first few years, I had it all figured out, I really did. I did all the things I heard Christians were supposed to do, and I quit doing all the things I heard Christians weren't supposed to be doing. I won't list them because I am sure most reading this are very familiar with the list. The more I did (and didn't do) the better I felt about myself, in a highly spiritual way. In fact, I was much better than most of my friends and just about all others I ran across in the church and in the street. A silent head-shaker, and finger-pointer. I thanked God many times that I wasn't like the evil-doers I knew, an honest man I was, and I shined. If I wasn't me, I would want to be.
Then one day, after carrying the weight of self-righteousness for so long, God lifted the veil for just a second so I could get a glimpse of myself, my true self...... not a pretty sight. Ya see, I had been seeing the world through a filter of my own making, my own experience, and my own understanding. Every righteous thing I thought were of God, I carried, not a light load, and everything I saw was through this "filter". Everybody I saw, every situation I came across, I judged through this lens of my own making.
Then I was shown a filter-less view of others and I didn't recognize what I was seeing. How could Love be so blind? These people I was supposed to be kind to, according to the bible, were not even close to deserving of God's love. (must have been a bad translation of the text) I had forgotten that when God picked me up, I was cursing and spitting at Him, a God-hater and a .... dare I say, ragamuffin. Over the years I had built a filter to see the world through, layer and layer of misunderstandings and bad theological and religious views to the point where the world I saw was not God's world.
I am in the process of peeling away these layers, like a stinking onion, and it is not a pleasant experience, but it is necessary. The more I peel away, the closer I get to seeing others through the eyes of Jesus. It is truly becoming a beautiful world of possibilities, the possibility of being Jesus to those in need. The painful side of peeling away these layers, is the view I have of myself. I have been shook to the core, humbled to the point where I can barely look up from my face-down position to say "God, have mercy on my, a ragamuffin and a sinner". An onion I am, a stinky onion, but I am smelling better with every layer.
God, help me to not think so highly of myself,
God, help me to not think so lowly of myself,
God, help me to not think of myself so much.